Read it you might find it amusing. This is really funny… ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Beng was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with…..

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.  10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.

Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6.  He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump! down. I don’t understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1.

Hilarious isn’t it???

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like AFRICA
….half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like EUROPE
….well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like SPAIN
….very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like GREECE
….gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like GREAT BRITAIN
….with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like ISRAEL
….has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like CANADA
….self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes TIBET
….wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Geography of Man

Between 1 and 90, a man is like IRAN
….ruled by nuts.

(Click to enlarge)

Don’t you think the comparison is SO TRUE? There’s been so much written about men and their obsession with the size of their body parts (balls being one of them), this ad was just waiting to be made.

Jokes aside, I can’t wait till they come up with a study between social status and wheels, or women or computer gadgets … The tagline can potentially leave you needing CPR.

Now which of you is brave enough to forward this to your boss? I’m sure you are dying to find out how BIG are his BALLS? Well, I hope he has a REALLY GOOD sense of humour…. and your paycheck is safely in your bank account!

The Exposed Wife

Just finishing her bath, a woman quickly rushed down to answer her doorbell, wrapped only in a skimpy towel. She opened the door and saw that it was Todd, their neighbour. Seeing her in the towel, Todd says, “I’ll give you five hundred bucks to drop that towel.” So she dropped the towel and takes the money. The woman went back upstairs and said to her husband, “That was Todd.” “Oh Great!” exclaims the husband, “did he say anything about the five hundred he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
Share critical information with your stakeholders in a timely manner to prevent undue exposure.

The Genie & The Manager

A Sales Rep, a Clerk, and a Manager are walking to lunch when they see a really old oil lamp. Thinking that they found something valuable, they rub it and a lo and behold a Genie appears! The Genie says “I’ll give each of you one wish.” “Me first!” exclaims the Clerk. “I want to be in the Greek Islands, on board a yacht and without a care in the world.” Puff! And the Clerk disappears. “I’m next! I’m next!” says the Sales guy. “Take me to the Caribbean where I can laze on the beach with a gorgeous girl to massage me.” Puff! And he disappears. “OK, yout turn now” says the Genie to the Manager. The Manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

The Turkey & The Bull

The Turkey said to the Bull. “I’d love to get to the top of that tree. But I haven’t got the energy.” “No problem” said the bull, “you can nibble on some of my droppings”. So the Turkey took a peck at some dung, and found the strength to reach the lowest branch. Next day, after pecking into more dung, the turkey got to the second branch. Finally after 3 days, the turkey reached the top of the tree and beamed with pride. Then a farmer spotted it and shot it down.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

So did you learn something new today?

When only two syllables matters.

This is seriously funny:
New Stock Market Terms
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
(Source: Jokesfunny)

Simply bear the risk in mind.

Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…
(Source: Indiabook)

The bull is melting!

Laughter medicine is good for you!

Make sure
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

Double the insult
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Animal Tidbits
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !

Which day of the week do fish hate?…….
Fry-Day

This joke is specially from Belgium:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

Ai Bang Mai Ne = I bumped into the coffee table

Get it?

Ai = I
Bang = bang
Mai = my
Ne = knee

Now do you get it? So try the rest and have a good laugh!

Ar U Wun Tu = A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat = You need a face lift
Dum Gai = A stupid person
Gun Pao Der = An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung = Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding = We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun = A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia = Approach me
Lao Zi = Not very good
Lin Ching = An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding = Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn = A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai = A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be = A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne = A small horse
Ten Ding Ba = Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung = A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah = Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim = Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting = There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan = A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk = Irritating drivers

Can’t figure out some of it? Then leave a comment and I will tell you what it meant.

Dear Bo$$

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the boss replied the employee:

Dear Marian

Yours truly,
Manager

So there you are, next time you know how to ask your boss for increment. In fact, don’t wait, do it now…

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul mouthed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this
country we don’t talk about our sex lives in public!”

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m
just tellin’ my frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

Hahaha… if you think that has made your day, wait till you laugh over the following brilliant jokes! Don’t worry, they are safe at work, but make sure you lower down your volume!

When I was born, I got a choice – A big d*ck or a good memory. I am not able to remember, what I chose.

Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

Impotence is the nature’s way of saying “No hard feelings”.

There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men – “don’t” and “stop”, unless they are used together.

Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.

There are three stages to sex in a person’s life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

Hahaha… please lower down your volume. You certainly do not want your boss to come over and laugh with you, do you?

Virginity is not dignity, it’s lack of opportunity.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

Have you heard about Viagra computer virus? It turns your 3 1/2 inch floppy into a hard disk.

A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She was happy with the Thing.

Despite the old saying, “Don’t bring your troubles to bed”, many men still sleep with their wives!

Now, some questions and answers time.

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn’t.

Q: What’s the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don’t have eyes.

LOL. Hope you have had a good laugh!