He went in happily and he sat on the pew and the service went started.  Half way through the he lifted his foot as he was trying to keep himself awake and the gap of his shoes was bigger.  Hmm he mumbled to himself that’s not a big deal it could not get more worse.  He was felling confident that his shoe was a good pair of shoes and should withstand any further eroding.  However, when the church service was over he stood up and lifted his feet and and walked.

To his horror both his shoes suddenly went wide opened; his soles came off from their shoe skin covering his feet.  People near him laughed and laughed. He was so embarrassed that he ran bare footed to his car and quickly drove off. That taught him a lesson – he won’t wear any old shoes ever again even though the brand was good.

Written by PC

The next time when you are traveling long distance in an airplane here are few suggestions to beat jet lag:

1. The night before the flight eat a lot of crappy food such as any food cooked with crabs.  Once you get on the plane the next morning and settle down on your seat you’ll be set for a long slumber and wake up afresh at arrival of your destination.

2. Eat a lot of sauerkraut, bring a tupperware of it to the plane.  It will make you go to the washroom.  Fart and defecate.  Inhale deeply the crude methane from your bowels, you will feel sleepy and go to your seat and remain inactive until the flight attendant wakes you up upon landing the destined airport.

3. Use an ipod to listen to a lot of lullaby songs and eat a lot of pork when you are in a plane. You will doze off after half an hour.

4. Bring a can of Bee Larvae (looks like maggots), emm.. no a big bag full of it and eat all of it with milk like the way Garfield eats.  A lot of protein and milk will make you sleepy all the way to your destination.

I hope you have a good laugh, however never try these advice to beat jet lag.   – PC.

1. Save the whales………collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like……….. night.

3. On the other hand…….. you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics……. are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers…… give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know …….are below average.

7. He who laughs last ……..thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger…….. without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm………. but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria!!…….. they’re the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience……… is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable……… except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares……… try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis???………. raise my hand.

15. OK………… so what’s the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way………you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future………laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory…….. some just don’t have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be ……..without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar……….. but turkeys don’t get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death……… twice?

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes………… so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you……… for your name???

24. Inside every older person………. is a younger person wondering what happened!!!

25. Just remember……….if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound………. that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates . . . …..it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Ah Beng came back from lunch and sat to do work in his office. 
After some time he felt acute discomfort in his stomach.

He moaned,”Ooh! Aw! I’ve got a bad stomach.”
Ah Lok was curious asked,”Where did you had your lunch?”
Ah Beng replied,”At a Fried Chicken shop.  I took the 5 pieces of fried chiken.”
Ah Lok inqiured again,”Did you eat chicken everyday?”
Ah Beng replied,”I’ve eating it since I was young.”
Ah Lok noted,”No wonder you’ve been eating a lot of chicken.  I think the chicken is taking revenge on you.”

Read it you might find it amusing. This is really funny… ..even an Englishman could not construct sentences using numeric, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and Singaporeans.

Ah Beng was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 1. This is what he came up with…..

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6 and threw up. So I go into 7-eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him. Then I took a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away.  10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven.

Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6.  He said 5 , tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work. He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump! down. I don’t understand. I am so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1.

Hilarious isn’t it???

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like AFRICA
….half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like EUROPE
….well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like SPAIN
….very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like GREECE
….gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like GREAT BRITAIN
….with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like ISRAEL
….has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like CANADA
….self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes TIBET
….wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Geography of Man

Between 1 and 90, a man is like IRAN
….ruled by nuts.

(Click to enlarge)

Don’t you think the comparison is SO TRUE? There’s been so much written about men and their obsession with the size of their body parts (balls being one of them), this ad was just waiting to be made.

Jokes aside, I can’t wait till they come up with a study between social status and wheels, or women or computer gadgets … The tagline can potentially leave you needing CPR.

Now which of you is brave enough to forward this to your boss? I’m sure you are dying to find out how BIG are his BALLS? Well, I hope he has a REALLY GOOD sense of humour…. and your paycheck is safely in your bank account!

The Exposed Wife

Just finishing her bath, a woman quickly rushed down to answer her doorbell, wrapped only in a skimpy towel. She opened the door and saw that it was Todd, their neighbour. Seeing her in the towel, Todd says, “I’ll give you five hundred bucks to drop that towel.” So she dropped the towel and takes the money. The woman went back upstairs and said to her husband, “That was Todd.” “Oh Great!” exclaims the husband, “did he say anything about the five hundred he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
Share critical information with your stakeholders in a timely manner to prevent undue exposure.

The Genie & The Manager

A Sales Rep, a Clerk, and a Manager are walking to lunch when they see a really old oil lamp. Thinking that they found something valuable, they rub it and a lo and behold a Genie appears! The Genie says “I’ll give each of you one wish.” “Me first!” exclaims the Clerk. “I want to be in the Greek Islands, on board a yacht and without a care in the world.” Puff! And the Clerk disappears. “I’m next! I’m next!” says the Sales guy. “Take me to the Caribbean where I can laze on the beach with a gorgeous girl to massage me.” Puff! And he disappears. “OK, yout turn now” says the Genie to the Manager. The Manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

The Turkey & The Bull

The Turkey said to the Bull. “I’d love to get to the top of that tree. But I haven’t got the energy.” “No problem” said the bull, “you can nibble on some of my droppings”. So the Turkey took a peck at some dung, and found the strength to reach the lowest branch. Next day, after pecking into more dung, the turkey got to the second branch. Finally after 3 days, the turkey reached the top of the tree and beamed with pride. Then a farmer spotted it and shot it down.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

So did you learn something new today?

When only two syllables matters.

This is seriously funny:
New Stock Market Terms
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
(Source: Jokesfunny)

Simply bear the risk in mind.

Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…
(Source: Indiabook)

The bull is melting!

Laughter medicine is good for you!