1. Save the whales………collect the whole set.

2. A day without sunshine is like……….. night.

3. On the other hand…….. you have different fingers.

4. 42.7 percent of all statistics……. are made up on the spot.

5. 99 percent of lawyers…… give the rest a bad name.

6. Remember, half the people you know …….are below average.

7. He who laughs last ……..thinks slowest.

8. Depression is merely anger…….. without enthusiasm.

9. The early bird may get the worm………. but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

10. Support bacteria!!…….. they’re the only culture some people have.

11. A clear conscience……… is usually the sign of a bad memory.

12. Change is inevitable……… except from vending machines.

13. If you think nobody cares……… try missing a couple of payments.

14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis???………. raise my hand.

15. OK………… so what’s the speed of dark?

16. When everything is coming your way………you’re in the wrong lane.

17. Hard work pays off in the future………laziness pays off now.

18. Every one has a photographic memory…….. some just don’t have film.

19. How much deeper would the ocean be ……..without sponges?

20. Eagles may soar……….. but turkeys don’t get sucked into jet engines.

21. What happens if you get scared half to death……… twice?

22. I couldn’t repair your brakes………… so I made your horn louder.

23. Why do psychics have to ask you……… for your name???

24. Inside every older person………. is a younger person wondering what happened!!!

25. Just remember……….if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

26. Light travels faster than sound………. that’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

27. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates . . . …..it’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like AFRICA
….half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like EUROPE
….well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like SPAIN
….very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like GREECE
….gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like GREAT BRITAIN
….with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like ISRAEL
….has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like CANADA
….self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.

After 70, she becomes TIBET
….wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.

Geography of Man

Between 1 and 90, a man is like IRAN
….ruled by nuts.

The Exposed Wife

Just finishing her bath, a woman quickly rushed down to answer her doorbell, wrapped only in a skimpy towel. She opened the door and saw that it was Todd, their neighbour. Seeing her in the towel, Todd says, “I’ll give you five hundred bucks to drop that towel.” So she dropped the towel and takes the money. The woman went back upstairs and said to her husband, “That was Todd.” “Oh Great!” exclaims the husband, “did he say anything about the five hundred he owes me?”

Moral of the story:
Share critical information with your stakeholders in a timely manner to prevent undue exposure.

The Genie & The Manager

A Sales Rep, a Clerk, and a Manager are walking to lunch when they see a really old oil lamp. Thinking that they found something valuable, they rub it and a lo and behold a Genie appears! The Genie says “I’ll give each of you one wish.” “Me first!” exclaims the Clerk. “I want to be in the Greek Islands, on board a yacht and without a care in the world.” Puff! And the Clerk disappears. “I’m next! I’m next!” says the Sales guy. “Take me to the Caribbean where I can laze on the beach with a gorgeous girl to massage me.” Puff! And he disappears. “OK, yout turn now” says the Genie to the Manager. The Manager says, “I want those two back in the office after lunch.”

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

The Turkey & The Bull

The Turkey said to the Bull. “I’d love to get to the top of that tree. But I haven’t got the energy.” “No problem” said the bull, “you can nibble on some of my droppings”. So the Turkey took a peck at some dung, and found the strength to reach the lowest branch. Next day, after pecking into more dung, the turkey got to the second branch. Finally after 3 days, the turkey reached the top of the tree and beamed with pride. Then a farmer spotted it and shot it down.

Moral of the story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.

So did you learn something new today?

When only two syllables matters.

This is seriously funny:
New Stock Market Terms
CEO — Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO — Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING — The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER — What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR — Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST — Idiot who just down-graded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER — A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION — The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW– The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS — What you jump out of when you’re the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR — Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT — An archaic word no longer in use.
(Source: Jokesfunny)

Simply bear the risk in mind.

Stock Market Report
Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.
And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market…
(Source: Indiabook)

The bull is melting!

Laughter medicine is good for you!

Make sure
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

Double the insult
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Animal Tidbits
What do you call a monkey in a minefield ?
A Baboom !

Which day of the week do fish hate?…….
Fry-Day

This joke is specially from Belgium:
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks

Ai Bang Mai Ne = I bumped into the coffee table

Get it?

Ai = I
Bang = bang
Mai = my
Ne = knee

Now do you get it? So try the rest and have a good laugh!

Ar U Wun Tu = A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat = You need a face lift
Dum Gai = A stupid person
Gun Pao Der = An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung = Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding = We have reason to believe you are harboring a fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun = A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia = Approach me
Lao Zi = Not very good
Lin Ching = An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding = Achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn = A lighting fixture used in advertising signs
Shai Gai = A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be = A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne = A small horse
Ten Ding Ba = Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung = A person with T.B.
Wa Shing Kah = Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim = Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting = There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan = A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk = Irritating drivers

Can’t figure out some of it? Then leave a comment and I will tell you what it meant.

Dogs have a very impressive sense of hearing. Their ears are many times more sensitive than ours. But does that mean dogs can appreciate music? I think it’s quite plausible. After all, dogs have been known to howl along to songs.

This particular puppy seems to like death metal… perhaps a little too much. Look at him. Isn’t he adorable?

His sharp teeth make him look a bit scary though. But death metal rockers are allowed to be a little scary, right?

Hey, are you in the mood for some corny doggy music jokes? I hope you are, because I just thought of some.

Q. Who’s your dog’s favorite musical artist?
A. Snoop Dogg.

Q. Who’s your dog’s least favorite musical artist?
A. Cat Stevens.

Q. What’s your dog’s favorite rock band?
A. The Beagles.

Q. What’s your dog’s second favorite rock band?
A. Linkin Bark.

Q. Finally, what equipment does your dog use to listen to music?
A. A sub-woof-er!